Peace of Mind and a Hopeful Heart

Tomorrow is November 1. That means that tonight is Halloween and I am missing my mom and dad. I never get homesick, but tonight for some reason I wish I could just run home for dinner and an uplifting conversation. This weekend as my friends and I were celebrating harvest season, I didn’t have time to think about the things that were actually worrying me. Tonight, now that I have had time to breathe, it has hit and I am remembering some Halloweens past when my parents would fill a pumpkin with candy and extra special things and somewhere in that time my mom would start to recite a poem that goes like, “Tonight is the night when dead leaves fly like witches on stitches…” I always loved that poem because it provided just enough eeriness for Halloween and today I read that poem to my class and had them identify all of the literary elements (mom would be so proud). Maybe that is why tonight I wish my parents and I could hang out and maybe drink some apple cider together or something.

Tomorrow being November 1 also means that within four weeks, I will be moving on from my long-term substitute teaching position, and as far as the plan is now, moving home. I wish I could say I was excited, but the fact that tomorrow is November makes me feel something I was hoping I wouldn’t have to feel.

Scared.

I am not scared about getting another job,, because I know one will be provided for me. I am scared of making a wrong choice and never feeling again what I feel now. Do you remember way back in August when I was concerned about getting a job? Well here is something I didn’t tell you. The day after I wrote that post, I was asked to fill this teaching position. I believed God would come through and provide me with something and it came that next day. But the thing was that at first glance, this was not what I had in my plan. I was hoping for something long term and something in a location of my choosing. Moving back down to Huntington was not in my top 10. I overlooked it for a while, and as excited I was at the potential opportunity to work with the wonderful people at this school, I wasn’t sure if this was the job. God never provided me with anything else, so I assumed this is what He wanted me to do. When I first moved back down here at the beginning of August (school down here starts EARLY!), I was still apprehensive. This was my first real adult job and I was back in the middle of cornfields yet again. But something happened that first day. Not only did God show me that He would provide for me in a new situation, but He gave me such complete joy that I didn’t even think was possible.

Before I moved back down here, I was discussing this with someone and I explained how this was just temporary and I would be back in Michigan by Christmas. She smiled as if she knew what God was up to and said, “Erica, this may not be the place you think you want to end up for a few years, but you just never know.” Inside I laughed thinking, “Yeah right.” But I am here tonight to tell you that she was right.

These past few months have been incredible. I fell in love with my job, the people I work with, the kids I teach, and my friends like I never thought possible. Not only have I seen situations during my teaching where I knew I was put here for a reason for someone else, I also have seen that God put me here for my own good, too. I never thought it was possible.

Now, less than four weeks away, I will have to go. I am scared of not being around my best friends. These people have been my roommates, my friends, and my family for several years now, and going through the “adult transition” period has only made us closer and I can’t imagine moving away now. I don’t want to think of what it would be like to not be able to fall asleep on Liz Adam’s couch, talk about relationships around the table, plan trips to Europe (that who knows if we can actually pull off) while watching the Colts and passing out candy to trick-or-treaters or challenging each other with our spiritual lives. I am scared if I leave I won’t ever find this again.

The thought of leaving this classroom of kids breaks my heart. They have become my kids, you know? The worst part is when they come up and ask if I could just stay longer. I am going to miss every single one of them and their childlike laughter yet their adult conversation. I am going to miss how much they make me laugh sometimes and how much they love to talk about World War II for some reason. I am scared that maybe God has another plan for me that doesn’t involve teaching.

After my first week down here I knew this is where I was supposed to be…and where I wanted to be. And now I just ask God, “Why do you have to take it away from me now?” But, just as I was so unsure in August and He provided this, I have to have faith that something else just as wonderful will come and it doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard to transition. I can tell you for sure that this will be the hardest transition I have had to make yet.

Something beautiful about living by your close friends is you can talk about all of these things and you are all in the same boat. We have all sat around talking about what is next. I have told them I am unsure of where to go from here, Grand Rapids or down here? Crazy to think that before I was in college I never thought this would be a problem, but tonight especially it is my problem.

So, I ask that you would pray for me if you think about it…just that I would know where to go. It isn’t that I don’t want to be home with my family, but right now my heart breaks thinking of moving on from here. This crazy place down here that for the past 4 ½ years has been my home, love it and sometimes hate it, is a place I am now afraid of leaving and people I can’t imagine not seeing 4 times a week.

I am just glad that it is up to God. I applied to other jobs in both areas and will just have to trust that wherever God wants me, just like He did with this position, He will put me. And, He will give me strength to say goodbye to my class and prepare me for the next opportunity.

This is a verse from one of my favorite songs. It says,

“Like autumn turns leaves, winter will breathe, cold on our necks, snow in our paths.
Wherever she goes, all that I know about us is that beautiful things never last,
That's why fireflies flash.”

This post-college, first real job part of my life was beautiful and all too soon will end. It was so beautiful and God showed me that when I really do trust Him and obey, amazing things will happen and I have to trust that the end of this beautiful thing doesn’t mean that there won’t be another beautiful thing waiting for me after Thanksgiving. But tonight, I need peace of mind and a hopeful heart.

Story

“I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims instead of grateful participants.” – Donald Miller

Friday night, Lindsay and Jan met me at my apartment where I let them shower and get ready to go out to dinner and meet some other friends later. The three of us went to this great little Italian restaurant in downtown Fort Wayne where we exchanged stories from our day and shared our newest ambitions. In the middle of our conversations, I again thought that my life would make a great TV show or movie. I brought that up to Jan and Lindsay and they agreed and said they too often thought how much the world would enjoy watching our lives if only someone cared to write our stories down.

It’s not that I think my life is any better than yours or that I am any more exciting than you are. It’s just that I have always thought of my life as a story, playing out act by act; sometimes a comedy, sometimes a tragedy, and sometimes a twisted love story, and always filled with adventure and laughs. I can guarantee your life is like that too if you think about it like that. This is probably the reason I like hanging out with Jan and Linds; they are creative minds born with the passion of a good story and a good cup of coffee. And, if you are Jan, a need to be obsessed with weird things like shoulder pads. If Lindsay and Jan were into computer technology or statistics, I guarantee they would not think of their lives as any sort of a story because people living out that life don’t think that way. But, thank goodness for me, Lindsay is an artist/designer and Jan is into fashion and public relations.

It was kind of a great coincidence that on Friday night we discussed how great of stories our lives are because Sunday morning I borrowed the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I remember Brynne telling me I should read it a while ago, and Sunday I saw the book on my friend’s bookshelf in her house and I took it (Sorry, girls!) to read. It caught my attention because it is all about the author, Don Miller, discovering what makes a person’s story, or life, a great one. It is a beautiful book, and I finished it in two days.

He writes that a great character always has conflict and overcomes it. A character is also one who makes a contribution. It got me thinking about my own story and what I was doing to be a great character. There is so much I want to do and so many plans I have for myself, but what exactly have I done to get to some of those plans? I’m not talking about careers, necessarily, but those big contributions; working with a small group of kids, supporting a cause I really believe in, actually writing a real book. Sure, I make plans for them, but sometimes being a great character instead of just being the character that helps the protagonist is hard and scary. But is that a good enough excuse to not try?

Then I got to thinking about the everyday life part of my story. The simple little events that happen every day. These little events that make up an entire life: making coffee in the morning, buying groceries, working and everything else in between. And sure, maybe to everyone else the fact that last week one night Megan, Liz and I watched the Tigers game eating Dairy Queen and talking in dog voices doesn’t mean a whole lot to anyone else. But to me, the night was a part of a chapter in my story that added life and meaning on a Tuesday night in the middle of October. I bet you have stuff like that too, and somehow when you think of it as being a part of a story it makes it all seem so much richer. The little things, maybe even more than the big things, are what make us the characters we are.

One time, a few months ago, I was living out a great and exciting chapter in my story. A chapter I can guarantee you all would love to read. But in the midst of it, I was simply enjoying myself. I wasn’t doing anything bad, I just wasn’t doing anything. There were so many times when I had the opportunity to let others in on understanding the most important character of my story, but I just never got around to it. I didn’t think I should, so I just lived and laughed and never shared who I was at the core. Maybe I knew that it wasn’t really as accepted. Maybe I knew that people may judge when they know you have faith. But, I lived a meaningless chapter there for a bit, and the sad part was that for a while, I didn’t even care. It wasn’t until I was eating dinner with a bunch of people, the same people I didn’t let know I didn’t do some of the things they did because I was a Christian, when I saw a guy around my age sit down alone at another table. When I looked up in the middle of laughing I saw him bow his head and pray. It most definitely was not the ‘cool’ thing to do and most certainly people could see him and would make jokes about him later. It didn’t stop him though. Against the popular thought, he didn’t turn his back on the one character who will always remain a constant in our stories and he didn’t care who saw. Immediately I felt complete and utter shame. My laughing stopped and all I wanted to do was cry. That should have been me and it wasn’t. For the first time in my life I didn’t stand up the way I should have for what I believed and I let a whole chapter of my story write itself. I wondered if that is how Peter felt after he denied Christ 3 times. I knew right then that Jesus was sad and imagining Jesus sad made me want to cry. I went back to my place right after that and did just that and vowed that I would never again hide the fact that the greatest author of my life is Jesus.

I am excited for the day when Jesus and I can sit down and actually talk about the chapters of my life. I can’t wait to ask him why certain things had to happen and hear him explain them to me in an eternal way. I can’t wait to hear him walk me through the parts of my story that were difficult and to see just how much he was with me in those times even when I felt lonely. I can’t wait to hear him explain why I was so blessed to get the people in my life and why I was able to live out these awesome adventures. And I can’t wait to laugh with him over the little things in life like getting Dairy Queen with my friends and to know that even in that small moment, he was there, and he put that little event in for some purpose.

As I was reading this book I came across so many great quotes by Donald Miller. This one caught my attention because so many of my friends and I are at a point where we could go in so many different directions and it is terrifying. This quote speaks so much truth into pressing on through our fear:

“The most often repeated commandment in the Bible is 'Do not fear.' It's in there over two hundred times. That means a couple of things, if you think about it. It means we are going to be afraid, and it means we shouldn't let fear boss us around. Before I realized we were supposed to fight fear, I thought of fear as a subtle suggestion in our subconscious designed to keep us safe, or more important, keep us from getting humiliated. And I guess it serves that purpose. But fear isn't only a guide to keep us safe; it's also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.”

So, in the end, this book encouraged me to continue to make my life meaningful. I want my story to be lived out as one that people would enjoy reading about or enjoying watching a movie on. I think all of our lives could be that way if we lived it out with that in mind. I want to have frames filled with pictures of people I care about displaying memories from great chapters. I want to do more meaningful things and to make a great impact. And someday, I do want to get married and share my life with someone who feels just the way I do because I don’t want to go reading through the chapters of my life someday and wonder what could have been if I would have just given someone or something a chance.

Here is to continuing my story and diving into the challenges and the fears that will make my story a best seller filled with the greatest of characters and in the end understanding that the story isn’t even anything about me but about a much greater one. I think I am onto a pretty good start.

“We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them.” – Donald Miller

Some Things Never Change

I don’t remember if I ever wrote about the time my roommate, Lindsay, and I drove down a blocked road under construction in the middle of the night during our junior year of college right after we stole a whole plate full of brownies from the Dining Commons. I probably didn’t write about it because to this day my parents still do not know that is how my car got scratched up in the front. But, it is too good of a story to not share with others:

It was a Friday night in November and my three roommates and I were getting ready to go to one of our friend’s birthday parties. Megan and Emily made themselves dinner in our apartment and Lindsay and I decided to go to the DC on campus to eat. While we were eating, we kept eyeing the dessert table. When we were all freshmen we would rally as a group and walk out of the DC with one of the platters of homemade desserts and bring them back to the dorm. This was a job well done because the people working at the DC were usually strict and enjoyed embarrassing you and made you pay extra if you took food out of the DC (I kid you not my friends and I still had one of the DC’s platters in our apartment cupboards this past year). Well, on that particular Friday, Lindsay and I thought it would be a nice touch to take one of the brownie platters and bring them with us that night…I mean, after all, we were going to a birthday party. Besides, we thought it would be pretty awesome to be able to tell people that the two of us alone stole a platter of brownies while the scariest DC worker was there.

So, we quickly mapped out a plan, grabbed the plate of brownies and walked out of the DC casually while tables of freshmen stared at us wondering if they should go tell someone what we were doing. Once we got outside, we ran for dear life to my car. We were laughing and joking about how this night was already promising to be good.

We drove off of campus to meet our friends at Katie’s house for her birthday party. Lindsay called our other roommates to get clear directions, but neither Lindsay or myself really knew where we were headed. What do you do when that happens? Just guess. So, we drove down the dark and bumpy streets of Huntington trying to find State Street (if you know Huntington, you know the roads are crooked, bumpy, and broken). We got to Division Street where we thought we were supposed to turn. Blocking Division Street were two “Road Closed” signs with one gap big enough for my car in between the two. Behind the signs was this street with gaping holes and cones and big metal things sticking up from the ground making it nearly (and I say nearly because of what I am about to tell you next) impossible to drive down.

I don’t know why we did it or what made us think we could do it. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush from the brownie incident, but without any hesitation, we decided to squeeze through the “Road Closed” signs and navigate through the broken down street. Right after my car got through the signs, there was this giant cement block we failed to notice earlier. I went over it and then looked at how long and awful this road looked. “Uhh….Lindsay? I really hope there aren’t any cops around.”

Navigating through that street made me feel like I was playing Mario Cart or something and my car and I were one of the characters. It was terrible scary. Lindsay kept saying things like, “We are almost to the end, keep going, you can do it.” Finally, the end of the road came, but there was another even larger cement block I would have to go over head first. This would surely do some damage. Then Lindsay said, “Oh…I think we now know exactly why this road was closed.”

Right then and there two cop cars pulled out of the Dairy Queen with their lights on. Panic. I’m not going to lie to you here, but a part of me thought about running. Then Lindsay and I in utter nervousness wondered if we should just hit the cement block and try to go forward or try to back ourselves up out of the road and escape. Too late. We were in trouble.

The cop asked what we were up to and Lindsay and I explained that we got lost and were trying to find our friend’s house. He took my license, was gone for what seemed like hours at his car, came back and laughed and said he would just let us go and that he thinks we learned our lesson. He even helped us drive over the giant cement block.

Lindsay and I were scared out of our minds, but it was probably one of the dumbest and funniest times of that year.

Just two weekends ago I really realized that some things just don’t really change. I once heard that you know who your forever friends are when after years have gone by you are still making new memories and not just sitting around remembering the old ones. My friends and I have had some really, really great times in the past. I was always nervous that after college that would be it. Instead I have found, that with these people it is so far from ‘it.’ The times just keep on getting better and better and new memories pile on top of the old ones.

After a two nights of frozen yogurt, strange conversations and shopping, two Sundays ago a bunch of us decided to go to the Pioneer Festival in Huntington. It was a chilly and rainy day, definitely not ideal for an old fashioned festival. Lindsay and I (much like the incident two years ago) rode together to meet our other friends at the festival. On our way there, Lindsay made a wrong turn several times. One of the times we were turning around we did so in a creepy looking driveway with a sign that said ‘No Trespassing.’ But, I think you know by now that signs mean nothing to Lindsay and I. Of course, there was a scary man in the barn who came out and gave us a look that made us crouch as low as we could in our seats and speed off in the right direction. Then, when we got to the festival, we parked in a no parking zone and after the festival could not find her car until 15 minutes later. Oops.

But during that ride and the couple hours spent drinking cider, petting gross camels and singing along with an old man playing the ukulele, I think we all laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe. This was not the first time these last few months that has happened, but during that day spent in a muddy park walking around people dressed up like pioneers with some of my best friends in the world, I realized that some things never change: we are still crazy and we are still making great memories.

(And, I know you are all dying to hear about this past weekend...don't worry I will post again soon!)

Small Town, USA

When I told some of my friends and family from ‘back home,’ as in Grand Rapids, that I would be moving back down to Indiana in August, they were thinking the same thing I was. Location was not first choice. Don’t get me wrong, I would give anything to work at this elementary school, and I was thrilled to be able to be with those same people who I student taught with, but small town Indiana was just the place I was so excited to get out of in May.

You see, Indiana is nothing like Grand Rapids; nothing. There is no beach, the culture is way different, and let’s just say I learned quickly how Amish do what they do and what a combine was during my freshman year. Different. After college, I never in a million years would have guessed I would be back down here, but isn’t that always how it goes? Suddenly this fall, I have at least 100 reason why (yes, I am actually saying this…) I enjoy Huntington County/Allen County and this good old small town Indiana life.

I guess it was about two and a half weeks ago that I realized it. Teaching was going great, and seeing my best friends on a weekly basis was not half bad, either. But, it still wasn’t Michigan. My drive to school in the mornings still consisted of passing by cornfields and passing slow moving tractors when I had to go down the country road because a train was passing by on the main road. Great for college life, but for post college life? Nah…I always thought I would be somewhere else. But on that morning, the air was crisp, it was a Friday, and I was bringing apples to my class to celebrate Roanoke’s (population SMALL) Fall Festival that weekend. For the first time, at least in a while, I really embraced this Indiana culture. To my right and left there were harvested cornfields, and flat as they may be, they were beautiful. Behind me was the most beautiful sunrise I could imagine; the kind that truly made you excited to be alive. And ahead of me was the precious little town of Roanoke where everyone knows everyone and the upcoming tractor pull was the biggest current event of the month. Right as it hit me that I actually may be enjoying this scenery, this song came on (it’s weird how that happens, huh?). It came on as I was flipping stations, and honestly, I began listening to it because I like to make fun of my friend, Lindsay, who has grown up a farm girl her whole life. Here are some of the verses:

Mailbox at the end of a dirt road
Hiding a sign on the Side of a silo
Old dog on a grain truck flat bed
Power lines cut across the sunset
Running from the highway to the house

Ain't nothing but cornfields
Stretching out as far as you can see
Up ahead behind and in between

Ain't nothing but cornfields
the turn road where I first tasted whiskey
Is the same place Mary more than kissed me

Ain't nothing but cornfields
Stretching out as far as you can see
Up ahead behind and in between

Ain't nothing but a half-ton town
Dusty main street and a flashing light
Anybody who's just passing by

Ain't nothing but cornfields

I used to sit out on the road side
Dreaming and thinking
Watch the headlights fly by
Without even blinking
And stare off at the sunset and think about leaving
but I never did
No, I never did
Yeah, this is who I am

As the song ended I realized that cornfields and small town life is not who I am deep down, but it is a part of College Erica, and Fall/Winter 2011 Erica, and since that moment, there is no other place I would rather be than in Small Town, USA.

Sweet, Sweet Life

Life the past week has obviously been crazy with the new job! However, I have fully enjoyed my time back in Indiana so far! I am mentally exhausted from everything, but wanted to put out some sort of update. Here are a few random and interesting facts that have hit me recently and has continued to remind me how sweet life is!

1. 1. Last night was two of my very good friends’ wedding day. Of course this meant a wonderful reception with about 60 of my closest friends dancing the whole night away. Needless to say, we had an amazing night. Before the night even began, a bunch of us went to Dunkin’ Donuts before the reception started. Did you know that you can get 5 donut holes for $1? And, you can mix and match flavors? Awesome, right?

2. 2. My new apartment is just great. Every day I look out the huge slider door in the living room and I see a Blue Heron.

3. 3. I have the best friends in the world. No, seriously, I do. They always make me laugh, and we have so many amazing memories that will keep us laughing for hours. And the best thing is that every time we see each other we make new memories so the list just keeps on building! I don’t want to know how boring my life would be without these girls and guys.

4. 4. True Fact: At every dance I have ever attended, prom, homecoming, and wedding receptions, I always somehow get a bloody toe/foot. Before the reception last night I actually wondered to myself if the same would happen at Christen and Spencer’s reception. Well, during Cupid Shuffle Danielle stepped on my toe and there the blood came! I would blame this bad luck on myself, but Danielle also stepped on Emily’s foot too, so it can’t be me. J

5. 5. My fifth graders are just great. They consistently make me laugh!

6. 6. I am currently obsessed with the song “No Diggity.” Hahah. It is ridiculous and I am pretty sure the song came out when I was in ninth grade or something, but I love it!

7. 7. Tomorrow is the first day of classes at Huntington University. This is the first year in four years that I will not be attending the “Stance” on campus tonight. My friends and I were talking about how this is kind of sad that it is all over and we are now watching others take our spot. But, we all thought it was pretty great that on the weekend where we would usually all be getting ready for classes to begin, we were still together enjoying a wonderful weekend together as adults.

8. 8. It hit me last night that I find so much joy out of seeing my friends’ parents. I think I am actually old enough to start to appreciate these adults in my life who have been there now for years watching me grow, just as they have their own children, my best friends. It was refreshing and felt like home last night when I saw Mark’s parents, Chels and Christen’s parents, Courtney’s parents, and so on. It was great to be able to laugh with them too, those people who in my years down in Indiana have been there for all of us in some way. And it was great to look at all of them and remember just how many times Mark’s mom made us all wonderful meals and had the best Super Bowl parties and see Courtney’s dad and hear him make some ridiculous joke again.

9. 9. I love oatmeal. I really do. I eat it every day at least once. I put a lot of extra stuff in it such as: cranberries, chocolate chips, blueberries, yogurt, granola, honey, and so on. Not all at once of course, but I consider oatmeal my thing…you can even ask my friends and previous roommates. Make it yourself with those ingredients in it. You can thank me later.

10. 10. Since I just brought up oatmeal, I will tell you that my mom makes the best homemade granola in the entire world. She made it all the time for me and my friends in college. They have all been telling me how much they miss my mom’s granola so when my parents come down for Labor Day weekend they are bringing some for us all!

11. 11. I think I found the key to keeping up your metabolism: dancing. You may not believe this, but it is true: I love eating and drinking pop (which has a lot of calories). I was told that in your early twenties your metabolism slows down. Here is the thing though; I promise you that if you turn on your music for at least a half hour a day and just dance, you will start to feel a difference. And, I mean dancing is fun and music is great, so you don’t even feel like you are working out. I have been dancing every day for the past five years and I think it’s the greatest thing ever.

12. 12. You should read the book, The Help. It is wonderful. I am seeing the movie this week and I cannot wait!

13. 13. Just booked my plane ticket to Florida for Christmas! I cannot wait to see and spend time with all of my southern friends!

14. 14. I seriously love all of the people I work with. They are so fun and a joy to be around!

15. 15. I got a new job, a new car and a new apartment all within three days. I feel like I signed my life away during that time!

A New Era

So here I sit in my hotel room in Huntington. Weird, huh? It’s sort of crazy to me because for four years this town has been home, and there is something sweet and yet sad about turning off of Highway 24 into town. Sweet because every corner and street holds a memory that can only be made during your college days. Sweet because yesterday once I got into Huntington I couldn’t wait to drive back to Johnson’s Junction to get an 89 cent cherry coke and as I was pulling out in my new car, I ran into Kevin Keske and we kept staring at each other until we realized who we each were. Sweet because I got to spend quality hours last night with amazing friends I have known now for years at the good old Oak Street house.

Sad because as I passed the campus, I realized on Sunday I wouldn’t be attending the annual beginning of the tennis season pizza party. Sad because this would be the first year in four years that I won’t be counting down how many more chapels I need or have to eat the food at the DC. Sad because I will no longer have to worry about getting a parking ticket from Barry when I leave my car parked out in the culd-a-sac in the middle of the night. Sad because right now from my hotel window I have the view of the Huntington North High School football field and can see the team practicing and can hear the band playing and it brings back so many memories from what seems so long ago yet just yesterday. And this year…it’s time for someone else to live out those days.

I guess after graduation I flew right off to Florida and didn’t really even think about anything else. Now that I am back seeing what used to be my life, I feel that pang of growing up. I am so excited about the next phase, but for the first time in forever I am no longer the student who can stay up until 3 am. I never really thought about the fact that it really is all over.

But here is the thing: real life has begun. Real 22 year old life. You know the kind; sticking to a strict budget, finding free entertainment with your friends who, just like you, are just starting out. And although the glory days of college is over, there is something to be said about living off of cheap macaroni and bad coffee. Something thrilling that after all you invested in college you are finally able to be set free in this crazy world.

So that is where I am tonight, somewhere starting out in this crazy world as a 22 year old who believes the world is really at my feet…it just may be more expensive than what I thought it would be.

Remember all of my waiting I wrote about last? Well, although it was not a full time job offer like my mind had planned out, I do believe it is where I am supposed to be. I got the call to be a long-term substitute for the class I student taught in during the spring because my teacher is going to pick up her baby in Ethiopia! I am so excited to be back at Roanoke Elementary and to be able to have a classroom of my own for three months. I had to book it down here Wednesday (yesterday) to start teaching today! It has been one heck of a crazy ride this week…stressful for sure, but hey, I have been waiting for a job so I am not going to complain.

Tonight after my first day of teaching after the rush of moving quickly back down to Indiana and realizing my summer is done, I got a call from some great friends that they were barbequing chicken in their backyard. Umm…of course I would love to come! Let me tell you, there is nothing better than eating barbeque chicken and grilled corn on the cob with six great friends talking about all of the weird men we have known who have blessed us with wonderful stories to share with each other in the Indiana heat after you have had your first day in your big girl job.

So here is to my early twenties and to being in the real world…for real. New car, new living, new job. Here are to the endless weddings coming up, car payments, and learning how to cook actual meals. Here is to nights like tonight where instead of studying for finals we are talking about our new jobs and begging someone to just help them paint their bedroom a new color. A new era.

Bring it on.

Waiting.

In today’s day in age, people wait for nothing. I am the worst at this. I like to be on the move and know the next step or plan. I am spontaneous for sure with the little things, but with my actual life? Some sort of layout would be great. That’s not how life works, and I am glad. How boring it would be if we knew every next thing that was going to happen, and the practice of having faith would not have to exist.

When I got back this July, I knew it was time to devote myself to finding a full-time job in the area where for the past few months I have felt such a strong calling. I knew it was going to be difficult, and nearly impossible, but I kept feeling like I needed to try and just have faith. Okay, no problem; or so I thought.

My first couple of weeks back I began making some hard decisions. Suddenly I recalled back to the days when the hardest decision I had to make was deciding when to take History of the Western Civilization or where to spend my Friday nights. Now, as if out of nowhere, I needed to decide how to actually spend my real adult life. Those first few weeks home I turned down two jobs. I know many people will gasp at that statement, but it’s just the truth, and if you too believe that we are called to be in certain professions than you will understand why I had to say no. But it was not easy. In fact, I always thought it would be awesome to have to tell a future employer that you were not accepting, but it actually is one of the most stressful things I have ever had to do. When the offer came along, it seemed too good to be true, and I was wooed into all of the ‘stuff.’ Sure, I could potentially love it, but something inside of me kept telling me that it wasn’t the right one yet. I would share the opportunity with those closest to me in Florida and we would research it together. The appearance of the job seemed charming, and when you just come out of college and realize everything you own is actually your parents, a job offer like that is too good to resist. Yet, why was I having such doubts?

When I came home and had more time to think logically about it, I still could find no real reason why I should say no. I began praying hard about it. I wanted want God wanted, but I was deep down hoping He wanted me there. I mean, hello, God, check out the salary and all of the stuff they are including! Don’t you want that for me? This was one of the first times in my life when I really needed an answer and did not know what to do.

One morning I was talking to my mom about it when she told me that I just need to have patience to wait for the right opportunity. I was almost mad that she even suggested that. Wait? Really, mom? How do you expect me to wait for some ‘opportunity’ that may never come along when as of now I have no job and no promise of getting anything close to this again? She told me to enjoy this time of waiting. My response was that I would be able to enjoy if I knew come September I would be employed. Hah. If only it worked like that.

As I continued to struggle with myself and my lack of faith, I knew that I was not going to receive any sort of miraculous job offer again if I wasn’t able to just let it go and trust. In this moment of understanding, which came of course at about 1 in the morning one night, I made one final plea with God. I told Him that if He wanted me to turn down this job offer (which I reminded Him was a really good offer) then He needed to let me know by the next morning because I needed to let them know. In my hour of desperation, I sent out a mass email to a few of my closest companions; the ones who know me the best and who would be straight up with me. I quickly explained my situation and told them to get back to me ASAP. Little did they know that I was hoping in one of their responses would lie God’s ultimate answer for me.

I was hoping for some miracle when I woke up. You know, I thought I may wake up with the right answer on my tongue or feel somehow rejuvenated and excited. Nope. I woke up feeling even more confused and unsure, and most assuredly, I felt sick of waiting. I was about to just do what felt safest to me. Safe to me meant accepting the job. It was good and it would earn me a living plus some. I would have stuff and I would be able to finally tell everyone that I have a plan for my life this year! Here’s the thing though: God sometimes does not take us along the path that seems so safe to us, and sometimes we have to go through times of waiting so we can learn to lean on Him. And at that point, I just felt frustrated. I was making big girl decisions on dating and where I would move and whether or not that would be a good choice, and all that time I wondered why in the world everyone else was getting jobs right where they wanted them and never had to make any decisions about relationships and boyfriends and moving away from them like I had to do. What in the world? You could say that that morning, I had no faith.

So there I was, vacuuming the kitchen, when I finally decided it was time to make my decision, even though I still didn’t know or understand. Somehow I knew that I needed to say no because this was not where I was supposed to be this year, but yet I wanted that safety. Before I made the call I checked my email, almost forgetting about my desperate call to help the night before to my friends. And there it was for me, my answer. One of my friends responded with the most honest and thoughtful answers in which she thought of me and what would be best for my life. Here is some of what she said that gave me the answer I needed to hear that morning:

“But from my opinion, I don’t see you interacting in that job. And I know you would want some place to go…like STARBUCKS!! Do they have one of those? And honestly…I think you NEED to be VERY SURE about this before doing it! This is a big step and a big opportunity but if you’re having doubts and feeling scared, I would say no. Erica, only YOU know (well, God) knows what’s best! Just please be confident in your decision. I don’t want you to regret it because you deserve the best! I love you, Erica! Let me know how things go!”

Man, that email came at exactly the right time. And as I called and denied the job, as hard as it was to understand why God did not want me there when it all seemed pretty good to me, I had an ultimate peace after it was done.

And so, more waiting. I still am not totally sure why God shut the door on that or why it is taking Him so long to show me where the opened door is, but I do know that I trust Him. I may not know why in September or even in January, but someday it will all make sense, and soon enough His plan will begin to unfold; I just need to wait for it.

Surely anything I get is going to be a miracle and something I can tell you for sure I did not do on my own. I am simply going to enjoy the journey and trust, even when I feel blind and confused, and even left behind, because I know that there is a perfect plan out there, and that sure does take a whole lot of pressure off of me!

As I prepare during this season of waiting, I am constantly reminded of this beautiful verse I found way back in August, 2008:

“Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.”

–Psalm 27:14

And as for now, I am taking this time to write a lot more. I know I haven’t posted, and I’m not exactly impressed by what I have gotten down on paper just yet, but I wrote a children’s story! My friend is going to put together some illustrations for me and I even got a connection to a publisher! Trust me, if I get it published you will know J I guess God does know exactly what He is doing…without the wait I would not have time for one of my greatest passions.