Tennis in the Fall

[Disclaimer: I tried posting this on September 21, like I wanted, but technology was not in my favor...]

So today is the day (September 21) that I can officially dance to the song “September” by Earth Wind and Fire. Don’t know the song? Listen to it. There is something about it that makes me happy that fall is here and that I am at school living with my best friends. The song reminds me of Huntington in the fall; running to class late, walking around campus at night, hearing Huntington North’s football games on Friday nights, and having endless sleepovers and dancing to Soulja Boy on the Mall. It is such a happy song and so full of life. It is all about dancing and falling in love and it is a song that makes me want to dance (okay, a lot of songs do, but you get what I am saying). More than that though, when I think about September, I always think about tennis.

Most people during the fall think of football season. I, like them, do the same thing. I loved football games in high school and there is still something about passing by Huntington North High School on a Friday night and seeing all of Huntington go to the football game. However, fall to me means tennis.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many memories I have that involve that game. Am I the greatest player to walk these courts? Heck no. Do I always have fun when I am out there? Nope. But the game of tennis has been such a apart of my life for almost ten years now and tonight I am realizing that my competitive tennis playing years will come to a halt this year. Sure, I will still play with friends, but it will never be the same as playing against an opponent with your team cheering for you.

Tennis matches in college last for forever, as in, at least 4 hours. That means that whenever we have a match we basically just dedicated our entire night to the court. It makes life hectic and sometimes stressful, but having that racket in your hand and feeling sweat in your eyes makes up for it. Even when, like today, it is scorching hot and you feel like you just may pass out, the adrenaline of knowing that you could win this match or you could lose it keeps you going. And playing with the lights on at night? Nothing like it. Tonight as the lights came on and the crickets got louder, I was hit with the fact that moments like these when you are sitting with your team cheering for one another at night, talking and laughing and complaining about how you have so much homework to do, are passing by and I am moving on. It has to happen; we can’t stay in the present and we can’t always be college athletes for the rest of our lives. But, when I was a freshman at Huntington I thought I had all the time in the world to play. I still remember my first college tennis practice. Now, those days are coming to an end and I am left wondering where they went.
My team will continue on without me, and my sister will get a new double’s partner (hah, maybe she is glad about that?), Coach will still buy fruit snacks and nasty meat for home matches, and the team will still stop at Subway on the long drives back without me. But one thing will never change and that is how much I love the game and love the people who have shared countless moments practicing and building relationships with.
I remember when I got my first racket. I was in sixth grade and I won all these golden coins at my orthodontist. I had about 60 coins, and on that day I went up to the glassed in prize area and saw that my 60 coins were just enough to get me this racket thing. I didn’t really know what it was, but I thought what the heck. That summer, I remember hitting the ball against our garage door with that red racket. From there, I just started hitting with my dad and learning how to play. I did not expect to be on a team during middle school, and I never would have guessed that I would play in college. But here I am.

Tennis is more than just hitting the ball. It is developing relationships, inside jokes, and sharing personal stories with people that you spend hours and hours with. My team and I share more than just a love for playing. We have truly formed a bond with all 12 guys and 10 girls that is incredible. We all are there for each other in every aspect of life and we share stories and events with one another on the long bus rides. We listen to music and dance obnoxiously and make fun of one another and cheer for one another and cry with one another and do Bible studies together. We even spend evenings together outside of tennis by choice, because that is how much we enjoy each other’s presence. Being a part of a team is really the essence of the love of this game. I can honestly say that my team is the best there is and I wouldn’t trade a minute I had with them for something else.

Crazy Week!

This past week has been crazy! I feel like emotionally this week has just been a little draining. What is good about that, however, is that I am really learning that you can't totally trust your feelings or your emotions, or even your logic. Sound confusing? Sorry, I suppose it is something I can't, or don't want to totally explain right now. But despite that, I have this enormous feeling of peace right now about everything. I know in my past posts I was talking about fear and uncertainty, and last week I just had this all consuming feeling that it is what it is and it is time to just totally surrender and enjoy the journey. That is how I feel today. I am just enjoying the journey and learning all over how to trust and depend and be less independent. To share parts of me and emotions that I don't share with a lot of people and to trust that my thoughts will be secure in the hands and heart of another. I have also learned that it isn't all about me. In fact, right now I want to focus my attention on how I can be the person I need to be for others instead of the opposite. All of these emotions and surrendering and sharing and late nights have gotten me little sleep, but I can't tell you the burden that seems to have lifted from me.

Besides all of that, here are some highlights of the week. We had a tennis match up in Michigan on Tuesday. It was probably the most fun match ever. Three hour drive there, eating tons of food, winning the match, laughing, three hour drive back, stopping at Subway, and laughing some more was exactly how a tennis match should be. For all of you who have asked about my back, Tuesday was the first time in almost a year where I felt back to my old self. I played like I used to play, thanks to new pain killers and a back brace. I couldn't have been more thrilled.

Friday night I was able to spend some time with Beth, Brittany, and Kellyn just talking and watching a movie. Okay, okay, I didn't actually watch the movie because Brittany and I were stalking people on Facebook (you know you do it too), but nonetheless, it was a good time.

Saturday night was a lot of fun as well. Todd came over and we did homework for like an hour and then, after seeing something for match.com, decided we should create our own profiles. I know this sounds super lame/stupid, but A) we are in Huntington, IN where there isn't a whole lot happening and B) it is actually really fun and everyone should try it. We wanted to see if we would get paired up together, haha. It took us about 2 hours to complete the profiles, and let me just tell you that match.com has a funny way of turning you into the most shallow human being on the face of the earth. For example, there is a question that asks what you look for physically in a potential mate. Of course, we put "athletic and toned." Well, when both of our matches came up, we did not get athletic and toned people. I said, in a very serious manner, "Why am I getting all of these fatties? I said athletic and toned." Hah. That one kept us laughing for a while.

My roommate, Susanne, came back for a bit and helped us finish the profiles off, and the three of us got to laughing pretty hard together. Then, Mark and Chelsey came over. I think this is the point where I make a confession to all of you. As embarrassing as this may be, you should know that sometimes when Chelsey and I get to laughing really hard, problems happen. You can fill in the blank there. Poor Mark has just been the unfortunate soul who has been witness to this, so the four of us sat there laughing about that, and then Chelsey and I were at it again.

The rest of the night we watched Step Up, and then decided to try to learn some of the dance moves. I for some reason, could not get this one move down at all; I am hoping it is because it was 2:30 in the morning and I was really tired and ate too much candy corn. Either way, the night was fun and full of laughs.

Yesterday, Beth and I went to church and then did homework the rest of the day. Today, I feel slightly ADHD and that I can't focus on one thing at a time. I have a home match at 4, and I think I may need to try to sleep for a bit before that.

Before I go, however, I want to leave you with some funny quotes that were said in my life this week. I really like keeping tabs on these things that really make you laugh, and in fact, my roommates and I keep a quote board in our apartment for those really good lines. You probably won't enjoy them as much if you don't know these people or the situations we were in, but if you do, then laugh with me for a while! Disclaimer: Some may not be completely appropriate, but we can't always filter what goes in our brain and out our mouth all the time.

-"If I had to choose one professor to have sex with, it would definitely be him." _Beth :)

-"OKAY! Why do we keep going off the road?" _Kristen

"I think it's because coach is eating. HE'S EATING!!!" _Gonzo

-"Erica, you just need to relax....Alright; can you just not talk for 2 minutes? Just close your eyes and listen to the music and do not talk." _Todd

-"He's just not weird enough for her." _Brittany

-"A girl's got needs!" _Susanne

-"What?" _Gonzo

"Oh...nothing. We love ya Gonzo." _Me

"Awww. I love you guys too." _Gonzo

-"Erica, I'm going to keeeel you." _Alexandra

Erica and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So I may be over exaggerating with the title here but, today was just not my day. Looking back on it I suppose I can laugh because some of it was just ridiculous. For example, my hair. My hair looked awful today. I have curly hair and for whatever reason, the water in Huntington does not mix well with my hair. It was pretty much an afro and nothing I did made it look good.

Alright, that is not a huge deal. In fact, there were some aspects of my day that were really wonderful. Chapel today was good. I was able to eat lunch with two great people and Todd made me laugh so hard that spaghetti sauce actually started its way down my nose. All good. And then Lindsay and I laughed about nothing for a while later too. Great!

So, why am I still up at 1:30 in the morning when I should be doing my chemistry webassign (ICK) and instead I am on here? Well, let me introduce you to Huntington’s biggest rival, Indiana Wesleyan, or IWU. Apparently this school has the power to make someone feel like beating up on something. This afternoon, we had a tennis match against them. It is always fun to play them…at first. We prepare mentally and listen to great songs prior to the match and talk ourselves through how this year we are finally going to beat them. Today was no different.

Here is the thing about IWU: they are good at everything. Everything! They also have really great facilities and this amazing coffee shop that even (I hate to admit this) Huntington Students visit on occasion. The fact that they have this coffee shop and we don’t just makes our rivalry even stronger. And what’s worse is that their tennis team is dynamite. I don’t know how, and honestly, I don’t even want to try and figure it out. They just literally kick everyone’s butts. They have these bright red uniforms which make them look like those fire ants that sting you when you accidentally sit on them on the sidewalk. Their coaches are super amazing, and just when you think you have them pegged into this stereotype of the snotty, if I have to kill you I will, type of people, they prove you wrong. Because IWU’s tennis team is probably the nicest team we play. Alright, I said it.

Their tennis program is like the Stepford Wives. It looks so perfect! They have 12 tennis courts, indoor courts that are so much better than ours, a huge shed thing, and great bleachers. And the players are always just so cheerful (okay, c’mon, they win all the time who wouldn’t be that cheerful) and always on time and always seem to be doing their homework after they are done winning. It’s like, how do they do that? How are they so put together right now when I barely made it in time to catch the bus to the match let alone bring all of my homework? They are the team that everyone loves to hate, but can’t because they are nice. Dangit.

So, today Jess and I lost our doubles match. So did the other doubles. Then, during my single’s match weird things happened. I was up 5-0. My adrenaline was rushing so fast I thought I was going to pass out. Then, the inevitable happened; my back snapped. My back has been injured for a year now, and I seriously can’t remember what it feels like to play without feeling pain. But right in the middle of my winning streak, BAM. Then, she started hitting shots all over the court that I could not run to. So I started losing. I lost 6 games in a row. I don’t even want to go and try to explain how annoyed and mad I was. I couldn’t move, so I felt like I was trapped in this box unable to escape. And, emotionally I was confused because I was just so pumped up about winning and now I was losing?! How does that happen?

This girl’s entire family was there too, and her boyfriend, and her friends. Perfect IWU family. Yeah, well mine would be there too if this were a home match, okay? So if hearing 5 loud voices shout, “Awesome shot Rachel!” after every shot that were not even very good I just couldn’t get to it really bring down my self confidence, then maybe the fact that I double faulted like 10 times did.

It was basically a mercy killing. It hurt…bad. Physically and emotionally. It would not have been so bad if I lost with some dignity or grace, but that didn’t really happen. The girl felt no pity on me whatsoever, and continued to just move me around until my back stiffened up again. I am pretty sure at one point I wanted her to just come over and beat me with her racket physically because that would have been a much more painless death than the slow one I was going through.

It finally ended, her victorious, if you didn’t catch that yet. Her entire fan base cheered her on as she walked off the court and yelled, “What an amazing comeback!” Yeah…for real. I couldn’t help but wonder just how happy this girl was probably feeling right then, all thanks to me.
Wouldn’t be so bad if I knew that I was able to give 100% or if I knew that the girl was actually better than me. And I realize that this is just a part of life, and in the big scheme of things it is nothing. I know. But it still really annoyed me.

And getting back to campus at 9 with about 4 hours of writing papers and reading ahead of me doesn’t seem to help either. That’s life though, right? And I suppose, I can laugh it off, just maybe not tonight.

That is why when I got back to campus I put on John Mayer’s “Who Cares” song and drove around Huntington for 10 minutes until I felt ready to face the world again.
Gotta love sports, and homework, and the fact that I am currently sitting in my living room in the dark wearing red shorts and a red t-shirt and look like a skinny off colored tomato. And I do appreciate my teammates who, unfortunately, all lost as well. And I appreciate Buffalo Wild Wings where the team went to dinner, and I appreciate my roommates who make burnt banana bread and make me laugh. And I appreciate all of my friends who always ask how my match goes, and I appreciate it when I say it was really bad someone says, “that’s okay, you can tell me about it tomorrow.” Thank you, for that.

Tomorrow is another day, right? Thank goodness!

Crossing the Boundaries

No guts, no glory. No pain, no gain. Blah, blah, blah. This past week, I have probably played over twenty hours of tennis in 6 days. My body feels like someone ran me over, but despite that, tennis has taught me a very valuable lesson this week.

I’m not exactly sure when I started to be fearful of losing a tennis match or anything else for that matter, but sometime during my college years worry over certain things and fear started to really manifest its way into my life. During my high school tennis career, and even early college, fear did not stop me or paralyze my mind hardly ever. During matches while my opponent would be serving, I would always stand close to the service box to return the serve back. If you know anything about tennis, you know that this is more aggressive, and also riskier. You are putting yourself out there ready to meet the ball and, hopefully, crush it down the court victoriously.

There is always a chance when you stand closer to the incoming ball that you may get hit or might lose out on the point. However, the potential of hitting an aggressive return back outweighs this risk. I remember one time my freshman year I got nailed by a serve because I was standing so close to the service box. It about knocked the wind out of me and I had to take several moments to even regain composure. It left me with a bruise that lasted about 2 weeks. The initial pain hurt, but not for very long. I recovered, and even was able to continue to stand close to the service box afterward. Getting hit didn’t do permanent damage and most of the time, standing near that line allowed me to hit some seriously amazing returns back.

Lately, however, I have begun to stand behind the baseline (sorry if you know nothing about tennis; the baseline is the back of the court, far away from the service box). I suppose I have been back at the baseline now for a couple of years with little to show from it. I knew this was the safer route. I wouldn’t get nailed by a ball back there. Nothing bad could happen to me if I am standing behind the line. But, this also meant that my ability to crush the serve back was lessened. Instead of being near the battle line, if you will, I had to run farther to the ball and just hit it over. Safe? Yes. Aggressive? No.

The other day at practice, I was at my usual position behind the baseline awaiting my teammate’s serve. My coach came up to me and said, “Erica! Get up to that service line! Why are you standing back so far? That won’t win you any points.” Suddenly it all clicked. I was standing further away behind the baseline to protect myself from potential damage of getting hurt or losing. I did not want to allow myself to cross into that line that could potentially hurt me, even though, it could also be an amazing opportunity for me and my tennis game. Fear got me.

I know what it feels like to get smashed in the stomach by a tennis ball going very fast. It hurts. But I got over it. And did it hurt enough to stop me from taking a risk out on the court? Not at first. It wasn’t until I started to think about the dangers that could be lurking if I crossed that baseline again and allowed myself to get closer to the incoming ball. It was almost as if the thought of the ball hitting me was worse than it actually hitting me.

Lately this is how I have been in life, too. Sometimes I am too afraid to cross over the line because I allow myself to let fear of unseen dangers get to me. I don’t believe this is the life we were called to live. We aren’t supposed to hide behind the battle lines in fear. We are supposed to cross that line knowing that even if we do get hurt, it won’t last forever.

Of course it is easier to stand behind the line and protect yourself. But while you are standing there, you are blocking what could potentially be an amazing experience. Relationships, for example. Sure, it is a lot easier to allow yourself not to feel anything and to not take a risk, because it is scary. It is scary to let someone in who may not always be there, but does that mean you should block them away? What about taking a new job or moving somewhere else? Do you just stand behind the lines to protect yourself from the “what ifs” of life?

I love the quote that says, “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” Isn’t that true? Wouldn’t we rather know that we allowed ourselves to give something our best shot and take a risk even if it means loss in the end? Or would we rather live in the grey area where nothing bad could happen, but nothing good could happen either?

Sadly, I have been pretty good at this lately. Fear over certain areas of my life have pushed me behind the baseline disabling me from taking a risk that could be really great. Crossing the baseline does not guarantee success. If it did, well then of course I would not stand behind it. Instead, however, I choose to worry myself into standing behind the line for fear of what could happen if I crossed it. This is not faith in any way.

It may be safe to stand behind the baseline protecting yourself, but standing outside of the line is not where greatness lies; and in order to find greatness, you need to cross that line.

This is a quote that I wrote down several years ago from Grey’s Anatomy. It says, “At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.”

So, here is to crossing over the baseline from here on out. To taking risks with my relationships and life, and to stop worrying and let God do the work.