Last week (AKA, the first week I was officially all moved in home), the first snow occurred in Huntington. I know this because not only did several of my friends inform me, but I saw a picture. The picture was just how I remembered it from last year and the last year, and the two years before that; the lights on campus illuminating the white snow and students in sweatpants playing in it smiling. It made me smile just looking at the picture because that is how it is during the first snow on campus. Everyone gets so happy and drops what they are doing and runs outside (regardless of what they are wearing; one of my good friends actually wore a silky bathrobe out one year, but that’s a whole different story) and just plays and the campus looks so alive, even at midnight. While I was looking at the picture, however, I felt sad. This was the first year in four that I wasn’t there for that special night.
Now I know there are different kinds of sadness out there, and this is one form of sadness that is all its own. It’s kind of weird and kind of lonely and the kind that you feel ashamed of feeling since you know there are such worst things out there to actually be sad about. But to me that night last week, I felt it big time. I know from talking to other friends and hearing stories from people and seeing other much wiser people go through it that transitioning is difficult and moving on is hard, so I’m not too worried about it. You know from my other posts that I was feeling down about leaving Huntington and unsure of what my next move should be. Being home now it’s really sinking in that this is permanent and that part is over.
Looking at the snowy picture of HU and realizing that I was no longer sitting in an apartment with my friends complaining about tests and I was no longer sitting at the house on Warren Street laughing so hard and talking about ‘real life’ like I had been these last 4 months. It’s a lonely feeling when you look at something that used to be yours and know that you have to start over now. That night, I would have given anything to transport myself to Huntington. I longed to be sitting with Liz, Megan and Susanne with the dogs grading papers and planning for the next weekend. And my heart hurt knowing that I am in Michigan now.
It’s been difficult transitioning back here. I feel as if I don’t know this area anymore and I for sure don’t know anyone. And sometimes it’s hard for me to even try when I feel like my heart is somewhere else. And let me tell you, the next phase of my life have big shoes to fill. Regardless of that, I feel as if this is where I am supposed to be for some reason. I have no idea why yet and I have been trying so hard to stay positive. Saying goodbye to friends, relationships, a job, and an area that in the strangest way has been my home for so long now is hard, and sometimes I am sad. I know many understand my feelings, that’s why I am not afraid to admit that for the first time I am feeling very unsure.
That night, last week when I felt very alone, I opened up this book my mom had on one of the coffee tables. I happened to flip to this story below, which made me feel a whole lot better about my doubt and fear:
It happened a few months before the first Christmas. A significant message was delivered to Mary, the other of Jesus - a message she needed to hear, a message you need to hear - on Christmas day and every day that follows.
Though the message was spoken by her cousin Elizabeth, it had been given to Elizabeth by the Holy Spirit. In other words, the message wasn’t from Elizabeth - it was from God. And it was meant to be remembered - not just by Mary, but also by you and me, and not just for the first Christmas, but for this one too. The message was only one sentence long, but it served as a bold exclamation point in a beautiful and tender exchange between these two treasured women of faith and courage.
On the lips of Elizabeth, God sent this reassurance, "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
Because of the confusing circumstances Mary found herself in, she must have been struggling with fear and doubt, but God stepped forward and offered warm words of comfort and assurance. He extended His hand to calm the cold clash of faith and doubt, trust and fear, confidence and uncertainty.
He will do the same for you.
If you need HIs powerful voice to calm your timid heart, He will not hesitate to use it. If you need a show of His strength to defeat the forces of fear, God will act. He feels the pain of his children's doubt. He knows the limits of our strength. He wants you to know his comfort and assurance even in the most disturbing times.
This holiday season and beyond, when the world challenges your faith or pain pulls your confidence, remember the resounding reassurances of God given to a tender young woman in frightening circumstances, "Blessed are you who have believed that what the Lord has said to you will be accomplished."
John William Smith
I am trying so hard to have faith in the midst of my uncertainty while trying to start all over in a new place. I do believe that good things are going to happen, and I do believe that God will provide for me a new beautiful snowy picture at some point. I know that it won’t be in Huntington any longer, for those days are over (at least for now), and I need to open my heart for the new thing that will be done. And while I wait, I know that God does feel my pain and will continue to comfort while I try to rearrange again.
“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”
And of course, this verse calms me because through life’s constant changes I (we) need something that never changes no matter what. You job changes, your relationships change, you leave some friends and meet some new ones, heck, your personality even changes over time. Through all of this I need to know that there will be a constant no matter where I may be and God says, “I am the Lord, I do not change.” –Malachi 3:6 Thank goodness for that.
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