Brokenness

I always appreciate hearing a pastor or speaker share stories from their lives that relates to their audience. It is important to hear from other people that you are not the only one feeling a certain way. And, as hard as it sometimes is to share your areas of weakness, I think it is important to learn from others. So here goes.

For the past month I have been completely selfish. I noticed that I was no longer seemed to be bothered by the ‘bad’ things of the world. Poverty, broken hearts, divorce, all of these things that affect a lot of people just haven’t been making me flinch as of late. Not only that, but somehow in between me going to fancy restaurants, spending nights at different West Michigan beaches, getting expensive coffee with friends and shopping, I forgot to thank God for all that I have been given.

I know how stuff like this happens, and it is not a conscious effort on my part. It is not like I am sitting here thinking about how I am only going to think about myself and how to advance my life while running everyone else over. It is not like that at all. It is just that I have everything I could ever want and my life has become so accustomed to living in such a way that I have become very much removed from the harshness of the world. All of my life I grew up feeling very blessed and I have always appreciated the life I was given. But sometimes, when you have everything you want, you forget that there is another world out there. It is easy to get caught up in this, even when you do not try. I don’t know what it feels like to worry about finances or wonder if my family is going to be able to continue to live in their home. Whenever I have any problem, I know there would be so many people there to help me. I have always loved all that I have been given, and treasure those things. But sometimes, it would be nice to get out of the bubble of loveliness to be able to see the real world, because I know that I am far removed from that.

Last week, in fact for many weeks lately, I have been so focused on myself. How can I make my senior year as great as possible? Where can me and my friends travel this year? What am I going to do after I graduate? When will I be able to take my vacation to New Zealand? When will I have time to buy all of those great clothes I want? What flights can I take to Florida over Christmas to make my vacation the absolute best? All I have been doing is worrying about me. First of all, this shows very little faith. While many of these questions are valid, instead of mulling them over in my mind I should have given them to God and asked what He wants me to do and worry less about how to use my material gifts to enhance my life, because most people do not have all that I have.

I began to feel guilty this last weekend about my selfish attitude and the fact that I have not spent time thanking God lately. I don’t even mean thanking Him for giving me a car or allowing me to be able to spend money and save. I mean I have not even thanked Him for the fact that I will be graduating college in May with 2 degrees, or thanked Him for all He has brought me through because all I have been worried about is how I can make me feel good.

This is wrong. I know that it is because we are sinful people, but it makes me sad to think that I have not been spending the kind of time with the God who faithfully brought me through some of the hardest moments I may ever know. Why is this? Why do we cling to God during the hard times, but when times are good we begin to take control again and forget? This week I was reminded of that. As I began to prepare myself for going back down to Huntington for my final year, so many memories flooded back. Beautiful times with friends, times of studying hard, times of watching movies and drinking coffee. Those times will forever be treasured and yet I have not even sat down to really thank Him for giving me the gift of attending such a place recently. What is more important is that in the midst of the most tragic time of my life losing someone so special to me my sophomore year, He was the only one I could cling to, and I did with all of my heart. Being so far away from home and feeling so utterly lonely and heartbroken in the middle of winter, He was there for me. College is difficult, working toward 2 completely different majors is difficult, and trying to continue to do that when you are grieving alone is even more difficult. There is no way I would have been able to make it when I so wanted to just go home during those long months if He were not the one holding me up and giving me the strength to continue to take 19 credits. Believe me, I think about this a lot, but sometimes it is easier to just think about the good times and all of the wonderful things going on with me because it can be sad to remember the times of struggle and tragedy. And lately, I have felt just sort of heartless.

I began to pray about this. I felt like I have had this attitude of, oh I poured my heart and soul into 25 five year olds during January that should cover me for a good six months. Wrong. But lately, I just have not cared.

Then, my friends and I went to Chicago on Tuesday. It was a fabulous time, of course. In the midst of the fun and the shopping, I came across this homeless man. Something was different about this guy, though. He was not sitting there begging for money or crying out to those passing by. Instead, he was slowly walking the sidewalk with some sort of stick. I could tell that he was struggling. Naturally, his clothes were torn and dirty, and he looked very ill. Even in the middle of a noisy city, however, I heard this scraping sound. I looked down at the man’s feet and saw that he was walking on tiny pieces cardboard which he tied around his feet. What was worse is that his feet were bloody with sores covering them. His toes looked completely distorted and he could barley move. I looked down and quickly back up again and right in that moment, my heart was broken again and I knew that God was trying to show me what I needed to be shown.

Here I was with two new coats and great friends with all I could ever ask for and there was a man with absolutely nothing. Whenever I would complain about something foolish as a child my mom would always remind me of this quote that says something like, “I used to cry because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.” That quote would always put things into perspective for me. Running across this man in the streets of Chicago I felt totally sad. I just walked by him, and I will never see him again. He is a person. I have no idea how that happened to him. I do know that after I passed him I asked myself why is it that I have all that I could ever need and want, and there are people who don’t even have shoes?

I am not sure the answer to that. I just wish there was more I could do. This scene brought me out of my bubble and into a world that is hurting, a world that needs Christ. How does someone like me make an impact? I will let you know as I continue to find out. I wish I could just run to those people and those little children with nothing and teach them how to get a job and help them learn how to support themselves and bring them to church. In one of my devotions the author said something that struck me. She said, “He [Jesus] involved himself one-on-one with those He helped.” I couldn’t help but wonder what He thinks when I choose to pretend not to see the hurt in other people’s lives? What if that man was my dad, or my friend? What if that man was Jesus and we all just walked by?

I am grateful for all that I have been given, and I am very grateful that God showed me this man in Chicago so I can be reminded again of my true purpose of life and explore how I can do my part and focus less on me.

I am going to leave you with this quote from the book Bittersweet. This quote struck me because I so understand what she is saying. To me, this quote relates to what I am trying to say about brokenness and feeling other people’s pain. I am so grateful to those friends and family who could feel my pain and hurt, and I need to continue to be reminded how to feel other people’s, even strangers’ own heartbreak. And I do believe when our hearts are completely broken, God touches us in such powerful ways. God brought me through my heartbreak; shouldn’t I help others with theirs?

“Heartbreak brings us lots of places – to despair, to bitterness, to emptiness, to numbness, to isolation. But because God is just that good, if we allow the people who love us to walk with us right through the brokenness, it can also lead to a deep sense of God’s presence. When things fall apart, the broken places allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God…I don’t know what you’ve lost this year: a life, a friend, a child, a dream, a job, a home. I don’t know what’s broken your heart this year…I believe deeply that God does his best work in our lives during times of great heartbreak and loss, and I believe that much of that rich work is done by the hands of people who love us, who dive into the wreckage with us and show us who God is, over and over and over.”